One of the main lessons in my thirties has been this: Bigger is really not (my kind of) better.
So 39 is to re-embrace the ‘hyggeness’ of a small home or a small inner circle of confidantes who deeply know you to be honest with you and you with them.
I used to put it as introversion but it isn’t so. I do genuinely enjoy being in big houses, big cities, being part of big events or communities, big conferences or churches. But, when it comes down to how or where I’d put my time and energy to grow – the adage “quality over quantity” or “go deeper than wider” has held true because time is simply a scarce resource.
This did lead me to confront the inferiority complex I had in my decade-long relationship.
In most relationships, there is a dominant persona and a more yielding one, that in itself, there isn’t wrong with such a relational dynamic. But, if not careful or vigilant, it can lead to compromises that may cost all of yout.
Relationships are an art more than it is a science of equal distribution the world today calls equality. Last year, at 38, I began to deeply work through the dominant-yielding relational dynamic underpinned by the internalization of being ‘less than’ since day one ten years ago when thrust into a world of social standards in romantic relationships to comply with.
My therapist asked if I had been raised being told I’m not good enough, I was amused because even my very Asian parents never came close to; I have the most loving and real inner circle of friends all my life; I’ve had many affirming bosses and coworkers. So it became a grand awakening of what have I done to myself accepting being ‘less than’ in romantic relationships (and quietly reinforced by gender roles in society perhaps)? And she continued to ask, if I can go back to day one to talk to myself now that I look back with the clarity of that lack of self-love and self-worth a la the inferiority complexes in relationships.
I’d have liked to honor the part of me that is really private relationally and different in what I value that is opposite of a world where relationships being on social media is normalized — nothing wrong in that but if it’s not who you are then hey, it’s okay to want to deeply guard and prioritize the single pursuit of a relational depth that if you are in my inner circle you will know: The six hours of coffee dates (okay only 3 now as we age hah), the small tailored-for-you surprises, the I will get on the next flight to be there for you friendship.
Washing of each others’ feet. The unpicture-worthy stuff in any human relationships.
Or like I had asked for the smallest but valuable wedding ring; a small heartfelt wedding; a $100 esty handmade ivory dress I wore on my wedding. I love throwing extravagant parties or events for others, but I will only do one-on-one coffee or tea dates for my own birthday.
A part of me is ashamed or sad as I’ve had gotten out of the academic rat race at 17, resisted the corporate ladder climb at 23, rejected wedding stereotypes at 30 and societal parenting expectations at 35, yet blindsided by a game I hadn’t known and nearly died by it, until 39.
I have shared on IG that days before I turned 38, when I was signing the liability waiver of the risk of death as I elected for surgery. It brought such a moment of clarity.
So 39 is about bandwidth, the tending to small and often inconspicuous things and being exceedingly good at small things than being run around by social standards in relationships driven by bigger or ‘more than’ milestones that isn’t true to me. But. To run a small home excellently; the enduring impact and joy in the ‘balance’ a smaller work role gives me; the rich private time my kids have with me; the sacred time from solo trips to one-on-one dates with girlfriends I love. It’s like getting out of the social milestone race and run your own.
Or redefining big. Or like finding your voice again. Even if it’s different, or more so if it is.
I am really looking forward to a healthy relational dynamic shift I seek to make this new year of 39. So far, I am really at peace with the nonconforming decisions I’ve made in the first quarter of 2024.
There is a sweet roll in my life again. Simply finding myself in the right place, right people, right time – and without knowing how this will work as the relational boundaries I’ve had established is very much, well, nonconforming. There is a sovereign grace and a profound protection, there is a rightness I don’t yet have the right words for other than this is right, this is me. This is me found in the secret places of dwelling with Him who do not conform.
So 39 feels like I am at a calming place with everything I have in my hands just how much I enjoy parenting and homemaking; I am at peace with all the inner circle relationships I’ve chosen to keep and go deeper, and those that I have to let go of. I am happy and confident in who(se) I am and what I do and can still impact deeper forward in work and ministry.
Just before stepping into 39, my therapist told me how proud she is of the work I’ve put in to get to this place and in that very moment it felt like a favorite Psalm of mine, Psalm 56:8:
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book”.
Even managing two little kids, running a home and leading my work on my own most days, it is strangely not chaotic but calming, and even a glimpse of the beginning to thrive. I have a grounding contentment with what may appear small or little on the outside but there’s absolutely nothing I lack — this is 39.
I’m alive and well. Like the energetic grandma I aspire to be, there is a supernatural energy.
I am found, and I am home.
honest & hygge 